INTER-CONTINENTAL BALLISTIC ME! I'M READY FOR MY CLOSEUP! WAAAAH!!! You know the Atlantic shark problem is getting out of hand when a shark expert gets bitten by a shark while filming an interview segment for the Discovery Channel's Shark Week. According to a report in Electronic Weekly magazine, Dr. Erich Ritter and Shark Week host Nigel Marven were wading in shallow water in the Bahamas, chatting about how sharks have an undeservedly bad reputation, when Ritter was knocked over by some unseen force beneath the waves. By the time they figured out what was happening, the water around them was foaming pink with blood, and an aggressive bull shark was already swimming away with a belly full of doctor meat. One consolation: this incident will probably make for some awesome footage to show during next year's Shark Week! Is yer old pal Jerky the only one who finds it odd that Comedy Central's BattleBots - a show which features the weaponized creations of mechanically-inclined geek-a-zoids duking it out for prize money - is hosted by Carmen Electra, a woman who probably couldn't pour piss out of a boot if you printed the instructions on the heel? I mean, seriously... how can she relate?! Remember the long list of "outrageous nuisance lawsuits" we ran in the Soapbox section of the Dirt two days ago? Remember how they all turned out to be bullshit? Well, we've now managed to find a real-life, authentic bullshit lawsuit to share with y'all. Sherwood 48 Associates - a New York City real-estate management company - is suing Sony Pictures for digitally altering a billboard on one of their Times Square buildings in the upcoming movie version of Marvel Comics' most popular comic: Spiderman. In the scene in question, a billboard for Samsung Electronics - coincidentally, a Sony rival - was digitally replaced with a billboard for USA Today. "We think it's inappropriate to substitute your own image for the one that exists," said Anthony Costantini, a lawyer representing Sherwood 48. Yer old pal Jerky thinks if these Sherwood idiots don't like it, then maybe they should get their fucking building torn down, then reassembled in the middle of fucking nowhere, where they won't get in the way of filming. Fucking idiots.

ON THESE DAYS April 12 On this day in 1993, as the forty-forth day of the siege at David Koresh's Branch Davidian compound grinds on, Department of Justice and FBI officials present a "sectional tear gas insertion plan" to Attorney General Janet Reno, in order to procure her approval. At first, Reno is hesitant, asking: "Why now, why not wait?" However, as the plan is explained in further detail, she eventually agrees that some sort of action needs to be taken to break the stalemate. April 13 On this day in the year 1883, a jury convicts Alfred Packer of murdering and eating a bunch of miners he was hired to guide through the Colorado Rockies. The presiding judge sentences Packer to hang, but the death sentence was never carried out, and Packer was ultimately released in 1910. He died in 1915, and was buried in Littleton, Colorado, where his grave marker still stands. April 14 On this day in the year 1865, less than a week after the end of the Civil War, while watching a production of Our American Cousin at Maryland's Ford Theater, President Abraham Lincoln is shot in the head by acclaimed stage actor - and disgruntled Confederacy sympathizer - John Wilkes Booth. Talk about a sore loser!

QUOTES! "We don't need white people to fight our fight. We can do it ourselves. But in saying that, I want to thank white people for fighting our fight, because they've done a good job." - Nasal-voiced nincompoop Rosie Perez seemed somewhat racially conflicted during her Lifetime Acheivement Award acceptance speech at last week's UrbanAID2 benefit concert. Then again, that would probably be par for the course for an ostensible AIDS awareness event that featured Puff Daddy giving a moving video tribute to such dearly departed souls as Aaliyah, Big Pun, Tupac Shakur and Biggie Smalls... none of whom died of AIDS. *** *** *** "I love Bono because he's short. History tells us that the greatest men were always small. Napoleon, Woody Allen, Bob Dylan." - Swivel-hipped Columbian songstress Shakira exposes her ignorance of history and her weird taste in men during an interview with some idiotic, celebrity-worshipping magazine.

JOKES Today's first joke was sent in by our new pal Erica Parent... An old geezer in an old people's home takes a fancy to a woman resident. One day he plucks up the courage to go and talk to her and after a while he says he would like to make love to her. She agrees, and says that when everybody else goes on a day trip they should stay behind at the home and get it on. The old man goes to the woman's room and asks her how she likes to be made love to. She tells him that she loves a man to go down on her and asks him if he would mind. He says he would love to do that for her and goes for it. After about 30 seconds he comes back up and says that he is sorry but it just smells too bad down there. She thinks for a minute and tells him that it must be the arthritis. He looks and her confused and states that surely one can't get arthritis down there, and even if you could it wouldn't cause that smell. She says, "No, it's the arthritis in my shoulder, it hurts so bad I can't wipe my ass." *** *** *** Today's second joke was sent in by our old pal Stan... Three insane men walk out of a mental hospital hoping to escape. The first says, "If there's a high fence, we'll dig under it!" The second says, "If there's a low fence, we'll jump over it!" The third says, "Well, we're out of luck, boys. There is no fence." So they went back to their rooms, defeated. WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's worst joke was sent in by Stan. Frank and Ronald - a married-without-benefit-of-clergy homosexual couple - have been spending a quiet evening at home. "Hey Ronald," Frank called out, "has the paper boy come yet?" "Not yet," replied Frank, "but he's getting a glassy look in his eyes!"

JERKY KNOWS! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Hey Mr Jerky, The other night I'm in bed with my girlfriend and she asks me to eat her out right so I do. Well here I am eating her pussy and she starts to cum and right when she is about to explode I shove my finger up her ass thinking that she will love this! Wrong! She fucking flips out on me and kicks me out of bed! What a bitch! She gives me this big speech about anything anal is dirty and says she will never let me do that again and if I do she said she will cut my balls off. I really want to fuck her up the ass. Do you think I should try this again but maybe this time use some lube? Do you think it's right to look at a hole and never be able to touch it? Man I'm confused at the moment. Please give me your best advice! Signed: crazieboy Dear Crazie; I've got one word for you... Rohypnol!

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. Today’s Topic: WAR ON DRUGS: THE OPPOSITE EFFECT Care of: xl_sock_monkey@yahoo.com. Here is a “from the neighborhood” view of the effect the drug war is truly having, at least up here in New England. Way back in the good ol days, mid 80’s, when my friends and I were first introduced to the EVILS of drug use the Cannabis Sativa flowed freely in our suburban neighborhood. We were always able to procure a sack within a ½ hour with no more than 2 phone calls. Various friends, older brothers and the Pizza Man were always stocked with plenty of smoke at reasonable prices. The options were usually plentiful from dudes selling individual pre rolled joints up to ½ Lbs. And quality from Mexican dirt for $75 a Z, decent bud w/some seed for $100-$125 a Z and the homegrown KGB for $250-$400 a Z. SWEET! Every once in a blue moon one of the neighborhood entrepreneurs would offers us some Magik Mushrooms or maybe some blotter acid, that was the extent of the easily available drugs. No one ever offered you cocaine or crack, those were drugs you needed to go to the big city and buy on the street corner. And heroin, well heroin was something you could only get in Fall River or the deep dark back allies of Boston or Hartford. Fast forward to today. The majority of my friends and myself still enjoy smoking the herb, with hardly any of us moving on to harder more addictive substances. Several of us, myself included, hardly even drink, preferring the relaxation of the smoke. And before any of your high and mighty alcoholic anti-drug readers postulate that because we smoke the herb we are a bunch of lazy 30 year old pizza delivery guys, 90% of my smoking companions completed college and are quite successful. The problem today is finding any cannabis sativa. It now takes several days, if not weeks, to locate and procure any, even low quality dirt. In order to stay supplied we have to purchase large quantities and be sure to begin searching when your down to a 3 week supply. The only good point is we do usually find high quality KGB, at a cost or course. The funny thing is when we contact our suppliers they always, ALWAYS, have enormous quantities of high grade coke, crack, heroin and XTC. And even funnier is the fact that the coke, heroin and crack are now CHEAPER than the weed. Personally I find the situation extremely fucked up, cocaine cheaper than weed, who would have thought?!? The point of this soapbox rant? There is no fucking point, just a fucked up drug policy. Do you think the oil companies process the coke? Is that why the drug war seems to focus so intently on The Evil Weed instead of the coke? I mean who else has that kind of government influence? WHOA! I gotta go do a bongo. Billy Bong [Just a point of clarification... yer old pal Jerky doesn't think the Dirt has all that many "high and mighty alcoholic anti-drug readers." - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com